Friday, January 20, 2006

bin Laden apologizes in latest tape for the "silly childhood spat"

In a shocking revelation, hunted terrorist Osama bin Laden has apologized for his "rash behavior". President George W. Bush also apologized, saying he feels "deeply sorry for the noble men and women who have needlessly died because a stupid little feud we've got going".

New information reveals that the entire reason behind 9/11 and the ensuing "War on Terror" was an incident in 1977, when it turned out Bush and bin Laden had a minor car accident when both were visting a nondescript European city. "It was his fault, too!" Bush cried indigantly, though he never gave much thought to it. bin Laden, however, was infuriated, as slightly more damage had been done to his car than Bush's, and vowed to "get even somehow".

9/11 was hardly his first attempt - he attempted to get revenge with Bush in the ensuing years, with escalating damages as each retaliated. Although the first exchange was quite tame, an exchange of "displeasure letters", it soon spun into far more dangerous territory, such as "dislike letters", "hate letters" and "loathing letters". By 1998, the letters had gotten so nasty that bin Laden decided to "turn the heat up a notch" and declare a jihad on the entire USA. "It was a bit too far, I'll admit, and I had no idea Bush would become President a couple of years later. But damnit, I was in a shitty mood that day, okay? But when Bush became President, I got even more pissed off."

bin Laden quickly revved up the scale of the "Attack America to Annoy Bush" project, later codenamed "Fly Planes into the Twin Towers". His plans came to fruition on September 11th, 2001. "Okay, I'm sorry for all the people that died. But for fuck's sake, this guy dented my car!"

Bush was right off the mark on that very day. "Osama feels pretty smug huh? Well, let's see how he feels when we *invade Afghanistan*! Don't feel so good now, punk?" Though he never let on to the American public, he couldn't let Osama stay in the lead. "It would have been too humiliating, I tell you."

Since 2001, a long string of retaliations between Bush and Osama have led to even more deaths, which they are both "deeply ashamed of". However, they highlight that it has "tamed down a bit recently". "I'm only killing around 50 people per attack now," Bin Laden is happy to report that. "That's real progress."

However, on this day they are pleased to report that "we're going to stop this right away. Too many of our people have been unnecessarily killed in our stupid little feud." It has been announced that the feud will be settled once and for all by a one-on-one fight to the death.


Blogger Genius said...

I'll buy tickets to that !

9:38 PM  

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